I felt like my world had been turned upside down and it was impossible to maintain a façade of normalcy, so I took some time off work and went to visit my dad in Oregon, hoping that a change of scenery might help. So there I was, a few days into my trip, and (unsurprisingly), the issues I brought with me were…. still with me.
I hadn’t been inside a church for worship in a long time (though I do have 2-3 churches that I often watch online), but I felt pulled to try to find a church to attend, so I borrowed my dad’s car so I could go into town to attend church on Sunday.
Since Covid has changed so much of the way the world functions, I was uncertain if any churches in the area were meeting in person or not. I did a quick google search for “churches in White City, OR” and found two churches that looked appealing. Eventually, I emailed the “Contact us” page for one of them to see if services were going to be in person and received a prompt reply from the pastor. I decided that is where I would go the next day and hoped to find some solace there.
It was about a 30-minute drive from my dad’s home into White City and the church. Once I arrived in the parking lot, I sat in the car for a few brief moments, composed myself, masked up, and headed in.
It was about 10 minutes before the service was about to start, and I was surprised and disappointed see that NOBODY was wearing a mask (except me), despite a new surge of coronavirus in the State of Oregon. I received a few odd looks and a handful of friendly glances as I stood awkwardly just inside the doors.
Eventually, a couple ladies came over to say hello and welcomed me. They called out to the pastor that I was a visitor and he gave a brief “Hi, nice to have you here” as he whizzed by. My hope for solace immediately dimmed, but I went into the sanctuary and found a row of empty seats, tucking myself into a far corner, mask in place, despite the fact that nobody else was wearing one.
While I may not have found solace there, the topic, unsurprisingly, resonated with me. I say unsurprisingly because I feel as though God has been very deliberate in the messages and signs he has put before me in the last few months. The topic was Church Hurt, but his message was primary focused on the hurt people experience, and how they pass that hurt on to others.
Hurt People Hurt People
“Hurt people hurt people.” Pastor Jason repeated it so many times during the sermon that I stopped keeping count. What really mattered, though, was that the sermon was about how to break the cycle of hurt.
He referenced Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV) 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
He acknowledged that it is hard to let go of hurt, and equally hard to let go of anger, bitterness, resentment and disappointment. And he tossed out a quote that I first heard from Ken in a Therapy Thursday session over a decade ago:
“Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
(Side note: I am surprised by how repetitive life can be- how the same things keep cropping up over and over again, until I remembered the old adage that “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” In life, when we notice that the same issues keep cropping up, it should be a clear signal that we need to take the time to address it. We need to also remember that even when we address it, old habits die hard, so it may require repeated attention to change patterns of behavior. That made this sermon on breaking the cycle of hurt so timely and relevant, for all of us.)
Of course, it is easier said than done, because hurt is a personal experience. And when we take something personally, we internalize it, where it festers like a toxin.
In those moments, we are our own worst enemy.
Let’s take his solution to breaking the cycle hurt step by step.
Step 1: Pass the hurt to God right away… don’t hold onto it and let it poison your spirit.
To be honest, there are certain hurts where I just can’t seem to get past this step, no matter how hard I try, and that makes it hard to break the cycle. I am hoping readers will share HOW they’ve passed their hurts to God and let him handle it & heal them….
Step 2: Practice Forgiveness. Forgiveness takes the pain out of hurt.
Another hard step—until you recognize that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you excuse or condone the hurtful behavior. It simply means that you choose peace in your heart over any negativity. When you choose to hold onto unforgiveness, you hurt yourself and prevent yourself from healing, and that is more damaging to you than to the person who hurt you.
If you still struggle with forgiving someone, maybe these things will help nudge you along the path:
First, as Galatians 6:7-8 (NIV) states, 7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
In short- you will reap what you sow – when you sow bitterness, discontent, criticism and unforgiveness, that is what will continue to come into your life. Do you want to be in the receiving end of that? No? Then stop dishing it out to others.
Unforgiveness is not the answer. We are called to break the cycle of hurt. We are called to love one another, forgive one another, and continue to learn, love and grow together.
Admittedly, its hard work. Forgiveness is its own kind of surrender. And surrender is tough when you confuse it with giving up in defeat, rather than recognizing that you are giving it up for grace.
For everyone who says, “Well, that’s just how I am” : News flash: That is nothing more than an excuse. You don’t have to be that way. It is a choice to hold onto mindsets and behaviors that don’t serve you well.
When you don’t deal with the hurt in your life, you continue the cycle, even unintentionally. When you hold on to hurt, you are unable to fully connect with God and others and your relationships are diminished as a result.
And I found this nugget, which essentially says the same thing, in a journal entry from 2011: “If you don’t transform personal pain, you will transmit it to others in some other form.”
People who are trapped in personal pain may be inflexible, petty and blame others.
Colossians 3:13-15 (NIV) 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Step 3: Say Sorry and admit you were wrong.
Since hurt is a cycle, it is inevitable that you have hurt someone as a result of being hurt yourself. Break the cycle. Apologize. Admit you were wrong. Ask forgiveness. Admitting you were wrong is an act of strength, humility and courage.
That’s it… that’s all it takes to free yourself and open your heart and life to more love, more hope and more joy.
So, stop hurting people. Now. Stop NOW.
Decide what you are going to do and how you are going to respond when you get hurt.
Choose to be a victor over hurt, not a victim of hurt.
And transform your life and relationships in the process.
