Let’s start with a moment of self-reflection.  This is not about anyone else or their behavior– this is about YOU. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Tell me, tell me true…

Which of these awful relationship habits

are the ones I do?

Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness Contempt hurts relationships.

Criticism

Criticism is not about not a specific action or behavior of your partner, but is directed at your partner's character or at them as a whole person. Your partner may feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when you shut down, withdraw or disengage from interaction with your partner. Your partner's response may be anger and/or frustration.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is an effort at self-protection through a persona of innocent victimhood, righteous indignation or a counterattack/blame. Your partner may feel dismissed, manipulated or feel as though you don't take them seriously.

Contempt

Contempt is the worst and most destructive behavior in relationships. It may include disrespect, ridicule, sarcasm, condescension and negative body language. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.

Remember how I asked you to focus on just your OWN behavior? Hopefully, you’ve been able to focus solely on your own behavior in relationships, rather than shifting your focus to your partner’s faults.

Spend some time looking the behaviors and their effects over, then ask yourself:

Am I a gift of encouragement, love and support that elevates my partner?

OR

Do I discourage, demean or in any way detract from my partner’s life as a result of my attitude, behavior and treatment of them?

Do you want things to be different (read: better)?

Are you willing to do some work on yourself as part of the process?

Check out the Gottman blog (from the Gottman Institute) on Relationships and the Four Horsemen to learn tools that will help you and your partner have a better relationship.