At the beginning of a new relationship, we often see only the wonder, magic & beauty that comes with the possibility of new love – like a beautiful field of flowers stretched out in front of us. FULL STOP. Reality check: Dating and relationships can be a minefield. Between your baggage and their baggage, there are endless landmines to traverse on the path to “happily ever after.”
Do you traverse the field of flowers/minefield by holding hands, encouraging each other along the way, every step of the way? Or do you let go of your partner’s hand during the hard times, each of you going solo, step by step? And if you let go, do you hope your partner makes it to the other side so that you can build the future you want together, or do you assume that letting go of each other was the best choice and move on to the next field of flowers/minefield?
And what, exactly, is the field of flowers/minefield composed of? What is it that makes them so hard to navigate for long-term relationship success? Generally, it has bits and pieces of the individual hurts, frustrations and betrayals of past relationships (intimate and otherwise). There’s also usually a healthy dose of personal/family secrets, guilt and shame, and plenty of our own insecurities. Add in each person’s pride and ego and suddenly, its less a beautiful field of flowers and the rose-colored glasses have come off.
What’s the best strategy for knowing how much time and energy to invest in a new relationship? And when should you start to share the “less than desirable” traits you have? if you do it too soon, they may still be so besotted with the newness and magic that they minimize what would be a deal-breaker down the road. Wait too long and you may invest time (maybe years) in a relationship with someone whose values & priorities DO NOT align with your own.
What’s your strategy? How much do you share with your new partner, and WHEN?
I have a friend who decided that she didn’t want to waste a lot of time getting to know someone over time, only to eventually unveil all her “deep, dark secrets” and discover that those unburied truths were “deal-breakers” for the other person. Her strategy was to tell her date everything—all the dirty secrets, all her stories of shame, every “flaw” she had, within the first couple/few dates.
I was appalled. I KNOW that I have secrets, moments of shame and things about myself that I don’t want the general public knowing (especially in today’s “cancel culture”). The idea of being so vulnerable and open to someone in the first few dates, only to have that person decides that “Nope, she’s not for me”, and then have them shared my secrets and shame with others? NO WAY.
But she did it and apparently, he did the same. For them, it was just one more tie that knit their relationship together. She became (accidentally) pregnant within a couple/few months of their first date, they were married shortly thereafter, and now, almost two years later, she constantly talks about how incredibly happy she is and that she is “living her best life.” She is in her mid-40’s, had a divorce in her 20’s, remarried, faced widowhood in her 30’s followed by crippling depression that pushed her to the edge of suicide. After believing that she would never have children and a family, she is happier than she has ever been. For her, the risk was worth the reward.
Would you be willing to do the same? Would you risk losing the magic and hope of a new relationship by sharing all your secrets and shame, hopes, fears & failures? What is the upside? What is the downside? How long should someone wait before you share the unflattering parts of your past? What should be shared early? When (if at all) do you ruminate over past relationship failures, sharing all the context and details with a new partner? When should you share the painful family secrets and personal failures and/or moments of shame or guilt?
Those are just a few of the things I am thinking about lately. All those thoughts segued into me pondering the danger of secrets, and how they erode relationships and trust. But that is a topic for another post….
