However difficult and heartbreaking it might be, we must erect and maintain boundaries. Remember- boundaries have nothing to do with whether or not you love someone. They simply define what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from others.
Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.
So how do you begin to put up healthy boundaries? Use this simple phrase:
Otherwise, I will limit my communications and relationship with you.
You’ll preface that phrase with a statement that either identifies the negative behavior or clarifies the expected behavior. Here are a few examples.
- I expect you to treat/talk about _______ with respect. Otherwise, I will limit my communications and relationship with you.
- Your comments about _______ are unwelcome. If you don’t stop, I will limit my communications and relationship with you.
- Your negative attitude/fear-based mindset/________ is unhelpful. If you can’t be more positive/encouraging/________, I will limit my communications and relationship with you.
Initially, these two sentence boundaries may be very difficult to say and the party on the receiving end of your boundary will either get offended and defensive, or they may verbally attack you in an effort to make you feel as though you or your boundaries are unreasonable. Do not engage. It will be the first testing of the boundary you have established, so prepare to follow through immediately by exiting the conversation. Tuck away this phrase as well: “This isn’t open to further discussion, so I’m going to end the conversation here,” then physically leave their presence.
You *could* opt to tack on the ‘why’, (for my own well-being/for the well-being of my relationship), but it’s superfluous since you do not owe them an explanation for why you will no longer tolerate their disrespect.
This is a hard practice to put into place- especially with family, and even more so with any parent or authority figures in your life, so it is important to remember that relationships with toxic people cloud your vision and your judgment.
Your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health is important. They are MORE important than any toxic relationship.
Guard your heart, mind and time. Those three things will determine the health of everything else in your life.
