Black Sheep – Shadows & Light
As a kid, I was considered the black sheep of the family. I was constantly told that I would not amount to anything one moment and that I had potential the next moment. I was always in trouble, confused, did not have a voice, questioned why I was even in existence. I just did not understand what was wrong with me. I am surprised myself that I never turned to any drugs, prostitution or ended up dead.
That is what a child tends to keep and believe when it is constant. What you do not know is the words that caused all the turmoil and self-hatred came from a parent who is ill herself.
The words my mother unleashed daily made me hate myself to such an extreme I did not care for anyone or anything. After all the things she would say, who would believe in themselves.
I ran away from home A LOT! My father did not really understand or know what was going on as he was away a lot with his career. In his mind, I was causing trouble. My mother would discipline us and then tell my father we needed to be spanked… again. Sometimes I could not figure out why I was getting it twice and that caused anger and more rebellion.
My mother had my father sign me over to the state in my teen years. She gave him an ultimatum. My grandparents were furious I later found out.
The things that happen while in custody of Office of Children Services is another story all on its own.
About 10 and half years ago, after many years of trying to have a relationship with my mother it came to a boil. My mother was visiting and her behavior towards my children made the mama bear in me come out. I had all the pain, anguish, anger, and relief come out while defending my own children. I refused to let what happened to me, happen to my children. She spewed the most hateful things and I said enough. We parted and had not spoken until two weeks ago.
She wanted the help of my husband and myself to move her. I had spent the last 10 years in intense therapy and self-reflection, so not only would I avoid the same treatment to my children, but to learn to accept that I was a good person and did not deserve the treatment I received. I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions and feelings with her back in my life.
“Most people who call themselves black sheep have actually distanced themselves from their families. While they may long to go home for the holidays and enjoy the fatted calf that’s been fixed for their return,” he said, ”they have to realize that the same forces that made them leave in the first place will probably still persist."
Ten and half years later, her mental health has gotten worse. From the constant change in mood, we believe she now has paranoia, mania, she does not sleep and when she does it is only for a few hours. She believes people are stealing things from her and then puts them back to make her seem “crazy”. She thinks people are out to get her and her tongue is sharp and venomous as ever. I still cannot say anything right, and I am still not good enough when her mania takes over. I had to constantly remind myself and call on my sisters for support that she is not well, and it is her illness talking. When in retrospect her behavior was like this all my and my sister’s childhood.
I love my mother. I pray for her and want the best for her. I want her safe and happy for whatever time she has left on this earth, however, the best for me is to love from afar. Being in close proximity means I put myself in an unhealthy situation. I’m not willing to do that to myself or my family.
When children go through the stages of a parent’s mental health situation it shapes us all different. I had a hard time trusting, never asked for help, and made it a point to try and show I was good enough. My walls were so high it took a patient person to know me and better yet to love me. Sometimes, doing great and sometimes having to pick myself up ask for help or plan better. I graduated high school, obtained a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a master’s in strategic leadership and an MBA. My marriage is strong, and my faith is my foundation. My children KNOW they have but to call me and I am there. My husband supports and loves me. I know my legacy is already vastly different than what my sisters and I endured. I am a stronger woman than I give myself credit for. It takes much courage for a person to ask for help. There is NO shame in doing so, that is half the battle.
